Today was the day I had been dreading.
The day I would take Xena to the sea—not as the living, breathing presence who filled my home, but as ashes held in an urn. It felt like I would be losing her all over again. For days, I had been sitting beside her—talking, crying, writing—trying to make sense of a silence that came too soon, violently, after Zach, whose absence I am still learning to live with.
And then came today.
Her twelfth birthday.
A day I had always believed she would see in flesh and spirit—but instead, I carried her to the sea.
—
We left just before dawn.
Geeta, Atif, Anand, and I.
There is something about that hour—the world not fully awake, the sky undecided between darkness and light—that feels like a threshold. It felt right for a goodbye.
We first thought of going near the crematorium at Versova, but life, in its quiet way, redirected us. A step too steep. A small hesitation. And suddenly, we found ourselves at the beach near what used to be Chai Coffee instead.
The sea was at low tide.
The morning was still.
And for once, the city was not loud.
—
We walked towards the water.
No ceremony. No performance. Just the four of us, and her.
We opened the urn. And one by one, we let her go.
Her ashes—her bones—her final physical trace—met the sea.
And something unexpected happened.
I felt… calm.
Not the absence of grief, but the presence of something deeper. A quiet rightness. The waves were gentle, lapping at our feet as if they were telling us of all the millions of times they had borne witness to this act. The sea understood the moment better than we did. We stood there, all of us in the water, and watched as she became part of something vast, something endless.
Anand pointed out how a small fragment kept returning with the waves, as though unwilling to leave just yet. And then, eventually, it didn’t.
It went where it was meant to go.
—
There was sadness, of course.
But there was also peace. And strangely, there were smiles.
Because in that moment, I knew something with certainty—I had given her a life of love. I had given her comfort, dignity, and presence. She was at peace long before today, because she was with me.
And today, I gave her a different kind of peace.
The kind that comes when suffering ends.
—
We came back home.
There was no dramatic silence. No overwhelming collapse.
We spoke. We sat. I made fried eggs for everyone. Life, in its quiet resilience, continued. And then Zuri came to the door—alive, warm, waiting—and in that moment, I was reminded that love, even when broken, does not end.
It changes form. It redistributes itself.
And there is still someone here who needs me.
And there always will be.
—
I do not feel like I have lost her again.
I feel like I have completed something for her.
Something difficult. Something necessary.
Something a parent must do.
And I know this much—I have been a good parent.
And she knew that.
Hearts Still Care 