Xena – Hearts Still Care

The days seem to pass by and I am seeing them melt away. It was just yesterday that I lost Zoe. There was a blur of sadness and we got Zach from Pune. It was Diwali and he slept through the crackers and the smog. He was distant like some saint of old. Wouldn’t be affectionate with family members. But he is loved. And he loves back. In his own way. He grew up so handsome. People love the way he looks. He loves people too. I’d definitely say he takes to strangers with a tail that wags nineteen to the dozen.

Nearly eight years have passed. I fell ill with COVID in April. 4/5 of us contracted it. He was taken to a different home with Xena. Being apart from them was worse than the illness. And the sickness was truly bad. I developed viral pneumonia and nearly died around 17th. I lost my aunt. Zach loved her so. She was my last link to a childhood only she and I shared. I lost her to COVID and the chaos that became the health care system of India.

In this interim, Zach developed a boil on his stomach. It went unnoticed because of all the health problems and loss surrounding the family. Xena developed a boil in her gums. I noticed it when they returned to our home by the end of April. I thought it was a boil. I couldn’t give them a bath because of my weakness and so they were taken to a spa. I missed the boil on Zach. Brain fog and fatigue didn’t help matters. Not to mention the series of steroids, blood thinners, anticoagulants and antibiotics that were being pumped into my system.

When he developed allergies in his snout, I began treating it and it was then we began to notice that his front teeth which were already minuscule were disappearing. I checked him up and found large swellings on his gums. And the boil on his stomach. Called the vet who visits our home. The lockdown was on and so we could not take him to the vet we visit.

Got his blood work done and got some meds. But it didn’t quite help. After I began to get slightly better because the steroids were lessened and the anticoagulants were being weaned, I decided to just take him to the vet.

An FNAC was done. At home I googled his gum problem and came to the diagnosis that it is gingival hyperplasia. It’s a terrible thing. And before I could breathe after this – I had to go through CTs myself for my sinuses and chest. The score of my chest was 12/25. It didn’t show any improvement from the last CT.

Coming back from this prognosis, I received news that Zach’s tumour is a mast cell tumour. So it has to be surgically removed. I booked an appointment with the vet and he said that Zach would also need an ultrasound and X-ray to see if any cancer has spread anywhere else. The mind reels. I am not even out of pneumonia and my son gets affected by cancer.

I had to pause here because how would I be able to write what’s going on in my mind and heart exactly. There’s so much rage and so much fear. I don’t really know how to express it all. Sometimes I feel all alone. And death keeps looming around my loved ones. I don’t really care if it comes to take me. I just don’t want to die slow and I don’t want to die alone. I am super worried about Zach. I hope he goes through the surgery well and has a quick recovery. I am worried about any allergic reaction to the GA and I hope his tummy doesn’t get bad. I feel alone. And I don’t want Zach to feel scared. When he gets ill, he comes to me often. He knows that i’m the one who gives the right health care. That I’ll take care of him. I don’t know how he knows this. But he does. And I am happy I am alive for this.

The rain is welcome. The summer is over. Heat has been defeated. I leave home with the kids and stepping out of the air-conditioned house I realise it is raining. Come back home and in a few minutes, the rain dies down, and I take an umbrella (to hold off the drops falling from the line of tamarind trees down the rain, and an occasional shit fall from the herons roosting high in the thin leaves) and ask the kids to follow me down the lane.

There is lightning far up in the clouds and the thunder calls back a second later. Xena is scared and looks around wide eyed. But she follows me as does Zach with his ambling gait. A minute later I see a scared stray, black with a splash of white on his chest, run past. He is not from the area and has obviously been scared away from his by the thunder. I call out to Xena who means to chase him, and he takes off down the street. I scold the girl, and then look up to find him but he has sprinted away.

Halfway back, the rain starts. I thank my brains for they asked me to pick up the umbrella and I trot back to the compound. Xena thinks it’s a game of catch and cook and gallops ahead with Zach on her heels. Of course, Zach is running from the rain, too, just like I do. I come back home, just as the rain begins to form a deluge. The day has been muggy and my partner predicted rain fall by night. Sure enough, here it is.

The whole night sky is filled intermittently with light and the resounding rolls of thunder as the gods fight up in the night sky. Rain falls. I hear the territorial dogs attack and I cringe. The pretty black one (I assume) yelps. I run to the window as does Zach. He owns the territory – in his head, at least. But I cannot spot the black fellow from our window. Lightning doesn’t help. Rain falls in sheets.

The city looks up to the sky, like a thirsty man opening his mouth to a cascading ripple of water. I will not think of the problems today. I will merely look outside the window as I type this, see the cracked edges of a lightning sliver slice the sky, see the black silhouettes of the trees filter the rain onto the lamp bright street and relax.

Morning is here and so are the monsoons.