Relationship – Page 35 – Hearts Still Care

Alone Again

I went for a walk.
(I struck out “with you”)
You walked ahead,
In silence.
A stranger maintaining social distancing.
I walked behind you.

The silence lasted
The entire walk.
20 minutes.
It felt like each time
You left me alone –
Outside dressing rooms,
In parties,
In your family.

It exacerbated
All recent loss
All of my grief.

But I counted on you
For relief.

Instead,
You took me into the past.
And reminded me
Of who you were,
Who I was,
Before I became.

Now,
Again,
I forget my name.

I wonder if this is how
Love makes all pain last,
As this walk took me farther from my future,
Into an apathetic past.

Strange how lifting
A body in death,
Though wrecks my back,
Still leaves me with breath;

But stifling
a heart break
Stops all air
my lungs make.

He meant nothing to me –

Except he was your father

Who turned you away

For being gay.

You did all you could

And I know you would;

Because that’s who you are.

Suffering teaches you

The value of death.

Seeing you do,

What needs to be done,

Breaking a pot,

Taking turns around the fire,

Lifting the water

And the clarified butter,

Like the body of your father,

Like I had done a few years ago,

Made me weep.

Abscesses linger

Of abandonment.

Wounds that have cut too deep

Don’t allow the momentum

Of life to fall back into joy.

You will leave by morning,

For duty, a calling

And a new suffering,

Time has chosen to employ.