The past has smiles
And we remember those;
It also holds tears
That it does not disclose;
Or maybe we see
What we want to see;
And think of the sadness
As probability.
If recalled joy mixed
With sadness and pain,
Then we would look on
The past with a new refrain:
We like to think of it
As lovely, and yet, gone;
And that’s what makes
All of the present forlorn.
Tear off the rose glasses
And see all of it true,
Then maybe the past
Can let the future renew.
People come into my life
And they say they love
And then they take parts of me away
They take away favourite things of mine
Things I share with them
A movie I loved but now cannot watch
Because we bonded with it
A month I adored
By now I don’t because of a birthday
Sweets that craved
But now I can’t because I cannot bake
With him, of him, by him.
Small parts of my innards
Wound against a stick and pulled out
Slowly.
I have also begun self hate
Why would I not have the balls
To move on?
What makes my heart the way
It made my dad keep hammering me
Through childhood and teens.
Be a man.
Be strong.
Don’t be a pussy.
Son of a bitch.
You got shit in your head.
And here I am –
Being everything opposite.
Now I don’t do it with pride.
Pride’s gone.
Love has torn it apart.
It’s like you don’t want me
I don’t make you happy
But I’m willing to bend over
Backwards.
My father would have been so proud.
I’m not.
But there’ll come a time
When your own sense of political correctness
Will make you realise
You did a wrong.
You may not have taken a belt to me.
Just a slap. Long ago.
And I took it.
And I still wanted you.
Like I wanted my father to love me.
But I wanted a lover.
And you were crueller.
With dad, I knew he hated me. He left.
You loved me, you said.
You held me and said I promise.
And then, you decided for yourself.
And you left.
And you took my favourite things away.
And left me with regret
Something
Even my father could never make me do.
Seasons turn, turn, turn;
In bursts and years, life ages;
Regrets burn, burn, burn
And all of life rages.
Suns and moons stay and fade;
Leaves grow to become dust;
Everything breaks that once was made;
Nature does what nature must.
Feelings change, they alter.
Even though truth doesn’t lie,
It, too, can falter, falter,
And can quietly die.
Fear makes things cling to stay:
Do love, though it may not survive;
There is always night after day,
Do try to keep one alive.
Mothers hate sons in time,
A Son cannot be a Daughter,
What is yours cannot be mine,
Not tears, not laughter.
No one learns, learns, learns,
You think you can change it all,
This thought yearns, yearns, yearns,
As faith’s empires fall.
Hearts Still Care 