Minutes & Hours

Hours and minutes, minutes and hours –
My anxiety ticks and has me game;
The controller controls my mind,
For a while, I lose your name.

It’s dangerous to run this loop,
But grief has come to stay;
I act out in ways I never liked –
But I can’t rail at the sky and pray.

So I address death on my own terms;
I know well to look him in the eye;
Not weeping, I set up a funeral;
Because a lifetime is left to cry.

A dog’s heart fails to understand
Either your death, life, pictures or flame;
Yet she reminds me of smiles ahead,
With no hint of anxiety or shame.

So the hours drag on in memory,
Marking moments I can’t forget;
It’s a different grief and anxiety –
Untouched by regret.

The pyres are burnt and done now,
Releasing the tears into moon rivers;
The fortunate have done with their crying,
While exhaustion leaves me in shivers.

Funeral tears and mourning wails,
Cascade a torrent into life’s sea;
And some tears are dammed for later,
When there will be more of death to be.

Second Night

A diya, a picture and ashes,
All that’s left of your life,
And the memories you made,
The love you gave, despite strife.

What’s the use of my tears
Shed now before this light?
You’ve left and I’ve failed
To keep a grip this quiet night.

I didn’t falter seeing your meds,
Or your clothes, or your food,
I laughed with Zuri and a friend –
I thought I was doing good.

But morning came and I
Turned to your ashes and face;
I saw the diya flickering,
And I collapsed without grace.

How do I know love’s here,
Though you have died?
I feel it in each sob,
In each tear I just cried.

The Bitter Watches of the Night

I know what I have seen,
In the bitter watches of the night;
I know where my hands have been,
As they soothe your body in its fight.

I know what pain you bear,
As the cancer eats away at you;
I know what oath awaits me there —
To relinquish what love must do.

I’ve lost pieces of my heart before —
Five weeks gone, had Death cast his spell;
Yet I must again beg at his door,
Where painless mercy chooses to dwell.

It is for us, I keep you with me still –
Breathing and loving and aching –
But I must, by sheer force of will,
Think on your peace in his taking.

I have loved you and will always,
You’re my curmudgeon, my daughter –
This love is what stays, my child,
Long after you are dust and water.