It’s 5:30am;
My feet are swelling;
I may die.
I don’t know why
Medicines haven’t helped.
Doctors have tried:
Augmentin and ecosprin,
Dexa and para,
Haven’t yet seemed to win.
New fear is assailed –
I’m not fearful of death –
I have lived a nice life
And when I die,
I’ll be free of strife.
A moment to smile
That I’ll die younger,
And yet quite satisfied
All of my hunger.
Come morning,
If I survive,
I’ll have new fears,
I’m wondering if living
Is worth the new tears?
Will others see me like you did?
Will this be the price of fame?
I do not like who I see now –
Will all of me remain the same?
I fear it isn’t so, never was;
And I do not think it will be –
Even you lied, eventually,
Taking away the best of me.
I wish I had power to be
A man with complete security;
No one to depend on or love:
A replete identity.
Yet, if you lied about your love,
Then your thoughts on me are false, too;
Ergo, I am not incomplete,
Despite the part I gave to you.
I’m sick and tired of feeling sad,
Find random meds that can be had
To get rid of this sordid pain,
To end feeling it like this again.
Maybe cut veins and watch them bleed,
Though would one pain make the other recede?
Why does a face still hold power in me:
Undying love abating futility?
I’ve no need to look on life and smile
It long since had ceased to beguile.
It’s not even passion that boasts a loss –
It’s intimacy, hanging from some cross.
After an age-old, bitter longing for it,
To have it shredded bit by bit.
Shame and embarrassment soon follow
And form such bitter cum to swallow.
It makes me sick.
And covid is scary!
Being more alone makes me more than wary!
I have nothing left, not even my pride;
It seems to have gone for a long ride:
A flight, into another galaxy of stars,
With all of love, hope and their bars.
Fresh out of relationships, I burn;
And no longer wait for their return.
Hearts Still Care 
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