slammed doors

His passing was sudden
Like the slap when I wouldn’t serve him his food.
There was one last surge of emotion,
Due,
As I applied ghee on his face
So the fire would be kind.
I never knew a father;
But my father,
He knew me,
He said,
He knew I was “like that” since I was two.
And that was enough for him to know of me.
The bullying,
The browbeating,
The beating,
The battery of those slammed doors
Hailing his entry or exit
Out of and in to my life.

But for all that he hated me
I hope karma doesn’t exist,
And he doesn’t enter this world
From another door
That bangs open
Like a bomb blast.

Ultimatum

You say you’re tired;
But I’ll tell you how tired feels:
It feels like those countless times
Your dad picks on you,
Because you’re gay,
And you dread the sound of him entering a room;
So much so that he makes you afraid of men in general –
To be tired of the fear and the feelings of inadequacy.

You say you’re tired;
But I’ll tell you how tired feels:
It feels like falling in love,
When you realise it wasn’t meant to be just once,
Like all those books say,
It happens over and over again,
With people who cut up your heart;
Because they cannot love it whole.
To be tired of explaining who you are,
To those who want to love you entire
But cannot.

You say you’re tired;
But I’ll tell you how tired feels:
It feels like the pain that rips your inside,
When the children you love are taken
By death – and yet you get another –
For the love you gain
It’s happiness you sacrifice.
To be tired then of death itself;
Because you have met him as a guest
Who is unwelcome but demands attention
And a complete tally of records.

You say you’re tired;
But I’ll tell you how tired feels:
It feels like all those futile times,
When you tried to make yourself more than
A caricature
Of trying to prove your quality.
To be tired of prejudice itself;
Because you realise humanity is bitter
And their contentment lies in the ruin of the other.

You say you’re tired.
But that’s a bit of how my tired feels.

Thief

Holding his phone
Quietly.
So that he doesn’t wake.
Putting in a password
He was confident of giving:
Our kid’s identity.
I feed it in, hidden in the dark.
I steal through the apps.
I leaf through the gallery,
Like an album of old.
I see what I expected.
I see conversations
I used to dream of,
Fantasies I wanted but
Never could be a part of.
I read, willing,
Yet unwilling, and I Am
Ashamed,
Because I am aroused.
Torn,
Because I never wanted to be
A wounded, resilient, proud, foolish, turned on
Thief.