Category: I Am

Post Porn

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

You know post porn, and a shag, that feeling that comes to you: do people really have sex like that? I mean, is this what I will be missing my whole life through? There are times when there is a guy who meets you and says, I am coming over, meet me at the door nude. And you think of all the things that could possibly go wrong. Then all those insecurities of your body that shoot through your mind like a hurricane… And you go to the door wearing a vest and boxers and the lover sees you, disappointed and you think of an excuse.

Post porn you get the courage, but then post porn you are also sated. You feel like getting into bed and going to sleep – thinking, oh, yes, tomorrow will be the day I meet the pizza delivery boy with a hard-on and then turn him on, too.  And all you actually end up doing is making love to the pizza.

The weekend was a good one. Had a lovely time at the party. Anand was at the counter, and I danced the night away with Yash and Anil. Of course, I found out later via Yash that he had come to the party to lend Gaurav moral support. Dee banned Puneet from the parties, and Gaurav and Niyaz came to the party and danced away. Anil tells me, after being manhandled by Gaurav, that this is why Gaurav gets beaten up. And I look at him and wonder what he must be saying about me…

The meet on HIV that Jay conducted the following day, today, was exceptional. Two guys in the meet actually came out in the course of the meet as being Poz and it was such a fantastic discussion. We talked of everything so very openly, and got a lot of advice from Jay and he says that A should start up with ART immediately. That was the protocol used by doctors abroad, and he was insistent that this happen as soon as possible.

So we come to another turning point in our lives… I am not worried, but it’s another new trip, but hey, that is what keeps life interesting and going in a different fashion… Hopefully we succeed in getting a good doctor. Jay will help with the regimen as well. He will be coming to the ‘Xmas party as well. Hopefully, the party goes well… I haven’t called anyone in particular. Let’s see who shows up.

A Jaded Journalist

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

It has taken me a long time to get back to writing in a journal. I am this self-proclaimed journalist. Never realised that the word ‘journalist’ could be used for someone who is intent on writing memoirs of one’s own days as they pass on by, heedlessly even, or maybe, if I am in a forgiving mood, lambently.

I have nothing really to contribute except a vast plethora of thoughts as they sweep over my consciousness way faster than I can type them all down. This is like a stream of consciousness zone which is more a tidal wave of thought than a stream.

What prompted me to write in were two things. I reminisced about journals and diaries and what they used to mean to me so very long ago. How did this come about? Well, I was watching Zindagi Gulzar Hai, a Pakistani soap opera, and both the protagonists seem to have a penchant for writing journals. And secondly, I have this brilliant new iMac and I keep wanting to see how fast my fingers can fly over this silver-white keyboard.

I am not very obliged to write down everything that comes to mind, but I will write down how I feel after so long a time has passed since I have done that in confessional prose as opposed to confessional poetry.

The days have been passing one by one. There has been a steady stream of men who come into my life, make me happy for a few hours and then leave. The man who I chose to spend my existence with seems oblivious to my emotional state – not that he ever was attuned to the inner workings of my mind or heart – and the not so surprising part is that I have grown used to his oblivion. The art of compromise has reached post graduation level and I don’t really see the point in fussing over something that he has no control over. It’s almost like when he cheated on me. It wasn’t the sex that hurt because I know it wasn’t an urge that could be controlled but the fact that he had lied about it all.

But I always digress. I picked up the iMac day before, on a Tuesday, and I am quite happy that I am working on it. It seems all that I had hoped for. And so in my 41st year, I have achieved a 1.5 lakh worth computer. So what if it has been paid for by the one who employs me – in order that I do more of his work. But I must say – having it here makes me want to work more.

Nothing much to report except the fact that I have swung back to old habits of sleeping beyond way six in the morning and waking up around three in the afternoon. I must revert back to sleeping at six so I can at least wake up with softer bags under my eyes at a decent time of one.

My favourite month has begun today. And I welcome it.

A strange feeling

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I knew it was bound to happen. It probably has been happening, who knows? But when one’s partner of nearly 16 years settles into an open relationship and hooks up, and you get to know about it, it’s unsettling.

I knew he cheated on me in 2013. There are so many different reasons and there are so many different questions. But I had not had sex with another man besides him for 13 years. I perhaps languished when the sex stopped. I perhaps assailed myself with the thought that he was sexual, he wasn’t interested in it. Then I realised on my very own that he was getting off on his way to work or perhaps after.

I realised and I confronted and he confessed. The sex, truly, wasn’t the issue. It was me being taken for a fool that was upsetting, to say the least. I had always been taken for granted in many ways, this was just another straw – but it was what broke my resolve that monogamy could be had in our relationship.

I said alright. Let’s go ahead and open the relationship. I wouldn’t be able to leave him. This wasn’t a big enough reason… I’ve had a much bigger reason earlier on – and perhaps, then I didn’t want to confront the idea of me being cheated on then. Perhaps, I was in denial then. I am not anymore. So why am I still with him?

There are a lot of reasons that work for him and against him. But I cannot allow him getting off with some guy be a reason to call off 16 years of being together. He knows me, so yea, shouldn’t have that been incentive enough for me? If he knows me he would know how this would go – but I surprised both of us. I didn’t leave. I just decided it was time for me to do a little bit of soul searching and for me to go on and close this book and pick up the next in the series.

It took me a while to be with another guy. It made me realise that I was desirable still. That I have it in me to be attractive. It made me realise that I was finally succeeding in not caring about what other people thought, after all, and just be. Being monogamous was what I thought would help me see that I could find happiness with someone else. Being in an open relationship made me realise that I didn’t have to find happiness with someone else, I had to find it within me. It’s not a fucking cliche, its the truth.

So today I realised something else, I still hold on to routines. A timeline. Some time when he and I can spend together. But he chose to hook up on our time. Maybe we need to sit and talk this through. Make a plan, have a boundary? Then I think that is falling into the same cycle of creating a construct, a box-in. If one has to be free, and truly open, then one needs to just let go.

If life doesn’t work in this way, it’s time to evolve and let it take me where it goes. So I need to stop that niggling hurt from growing. Let it be. Let him be. And maybe in some time, I will be a bit more free.