Category: Articles

What Pua told Poonam

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

What Pua (my Aunt whom I lost 19 April 2021, in the Second Wave of Covid) told Poonam (my best friend), while I was dealing with depression and anxiety last year.

Poonam wrote to my Bua, Mother and Geeta:

I feel very very bad for Harpreet and also for you all .. I know you all must be hurting and angry too!

I spoke to Harpreet today morning and also just now .. I have been trying to motivate him to pull himself up out of this and out of thinking that he is to blame for all that happened. I sincerely believe it cannot only be his fault but Harpreet seems to be bent on thinking that only he is to blame.

I have told him to call me up anytime he feels like – and I want to let you all know also that I am there for you at this time – plz let me know and I wil surely help anyway I can.

Love you all!

You are my family!

This is what my Bua replied to Poonam:

Why do we people always have a low esteem about ourselves Poonam. If a person wants to stay he/she will and if not there are many reasons to leave as all of us have our plus and minuses. Harpreet is a very honest straight forward and a good person yes he is possessive about people who he loves. I am hurting so much for him but can do nothing. You have been his best friend and he loves and depends on you for emotional support . Do give him a pep talk whenever you have the time to . Thanks Poonam for reaching out to all of us.

Poonam, I know I don’t need to thank you but I want to for being for Harpreet during the last 4 weeks. Surprisingly we both gave him the sale advice – let go of what has made you so unhappy, think about your happiness and yourself first. There has been an atmosphere of gloom in the house for a ling time now. Just keep telling him to move on each time you speak to him . Nice people are difficult to find but I am so happy that you two have been such good friends. Bless you. Hugs

Poonam :

Hi pua😘

So nice to hear from you. Yes, I realised too that we were both on the same page with him. He is super loving, honest and true to everybody and that’s the reason he gets hurt.

Though these are good qualities, they sadly don’t hold true in today’s times where people just barter in the name of relationships.

So I keep telling him to give accordingly – give to those who give you and don’t allow urself to be trampled upon.

He is just so good looking, brilliant and talented – only he must understand his worth and not sell himself short.

Dont worry pua, I have his back! Will keep drilling some worldly wisdom into him.

Thank you for such a sweet note and your blessings. They mean a lot.

Hugs and love always ! ❤️

To –

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

In my life, I have had my share of prejudices. When I was young, I thought that I’d never be able to date someone younger than I. As I grew, and I learnt more about myself and the world, things didn’t seem so black and white anymore. I was 24, and Anand was 18 when we began seeing each other. It’s been 20 years for us now.

Over time, the belief that I would never be able to live with someone who cheated on me sexually also underwent a change. I realised that sexual fidelity must alter as the years progress. This is my opinion and I mention it because my opinion changed with life. Being someone who is liberal did mean that I had to do away with restricting my own self in beliefs that needed to grow too.

That being said, I have never imposed my beliefs on others, and I wouldn’t dream of discussing age and its elasticity with you, because as all intelligent people do, you will learn these things yourself as you grow. Maybe one day, you will realise that things aren’t really cut and dry, numbers mean something only when you apply them to accounts. Life doesn’t do well with accounts, unless you count karma as that. :)

That being said, I didn’t judge you on the basis of your age, but on the basis of your intelligence and your nature. I won’t say I was completely mistaken, and I will not attribute your prejudice as age related either. But it is a prejudice and I don’t do well with being judged. Especially from someone I’ve grown fond of. Thus, it feels disappointing more than anger provoking. Again, this is for me to deal with. And I shall.

What you said to me matters only because I thought it wouldn’t come from you. The fault lies with me as always in harbouring an expectation of open-minded thought…:) however, my relationships I have always discussed in the light of them being understood. So I must also bear the brunt of them being misunderstood as well.

I have loved a guy my age, a guy 12 years older, a guy 7 years younger and a guy 20 years younger. Of course, the younger ones could never be my children, but that’s a moot point. Even if I did have a son who was 21, I would have no issues dating someone who was 21. He just has to appeal to my mind and my heart. The rest is not worth noticing.

Second Round:

Hi,

The only thing you have to be sorry about is making assumptions on the basis of my age and how old the guys who would seem appropriate to you should be with me. Yes, I do know that you did it the second time when you mentioned how my friends in Lahore would be my age. That is when I decided to message you about it.

This was especially because you did minimise the bad experience I had, that Z had begun the topic on. The gravity of the situation was misguided into the topic of age. It was a flippant segue. I did try to bring the topic back to violence and consent, but the moment had passed.

As I have already stated in the messages above, I was surprised that you made these judgements based on age. I expected something different, which was a kind of prejudice on my part as well. I also realised that I have surrounded myself with people who do not consider age to be a factor or a deterrent for growth or the lack of it. One of the reasons, some of my peers call me Peter Pan. :) And it is also why I have him tattooed over my inner bicep. So when I am faced with ageism from someone, younger or older than I, I am taken aback.

I am sure you realise that there are a lot of guys your age who approach me all the time for sex or for relationships, love or otherwise. The considerations of age are not ever significant for me to notice. For the simple reason, I do not equate age with either maturity, intelligence or validation. Until someone says this to me on a live conversation. Then of course, it also happens because people my age sometimes get jealous and retaliate by pointing the age to be vicious. That is another ball game altogether.

Billie Eilish and Adele happen to be my favourite singers. I love Selena, Lana, Gaga – and they have diverse ages. I also prefer Lata and Asha, Rafi and Kishore, to listen to – but I can also fanboy on Prateek Kuhad and Dream Note. Tastes have nothing to do with how old one is. One of the reasons why I introduced Billie to you, and she happens to be your age, not mine.

Yes, most of her songs deal with depression and suicide and mental stresses. One of the reasons I relate to her, because I have battled anxiety and depression since I was younger than you are now. Another reason where age breaks down into feelings of mutual empathy and compassion and understanding. “Listen before I go” is one of my favourite numbers. Which very clearly speaks of suicide.

You say you were terrified that I would stop talking to you. But let me ask you, if you think of the discrepancy of age and understanding and bonding, this shouldn’t be a problem in the first place. So there you yourself are already contradicting what you say you think about age. Technically speaking in a converse way, you aren’t being ageist at all. If you think about it this way.

You may get information on ageism, and prejudice from wikipedia and reddit. But conversations with people who can talk to you as examples are always better – especially in the way that I am caring to do now. I guess it throws back to my teaching days, once a teacher always a teacher, I guess. I am furthering this conversation because I think you want to learn, because you have been writing in to me about and seem genuinely to be bothered about what you have done. In fact, we began the conversation on tastes and prejudices when we spoke of iOS and android users. I did mention I do not get into these discussions and explanations because I do not have to validate my tastes and/or my choices. I shouldn’t have to either.

Maybe the next time we chat, we should get someone online who is closer to your age and who happen to like me romantically. Then there is a probability of a further exchange with some people who think and feel differently – but then again, it would not sit very well with me – me, who doesn’t like explaining myself or those who like me for me, irrespective of race, age, class, religion or culture. This is how I choose to take care of my wounds, by those who are interested in knowing more about them, and not contributing to them. So in that vein, I continue to further a conversation with you, because as I have already said, I am fond of you. And let me be clear, I am not interested in you sexually or romantically, but I have a genuine appreciation for the intelligent man you are and your capability for eloquent conversation.

Love Is Love – Except When It Isn’t…

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I take to writing on Word once again, after a long sabbatical. I had my heart broken early last year. Being gay, the world tends not to really see things in terms of heartbreak for people like me. Most of the world, at least. In more ways than one, I suppose, gay boys don’t have hearts to break because we have better sex lives than most straight people? But then I am generalising as well, and, as a dear friend likes to tell me, ‘stop playing the victim’. So, I shall end victimhood here. Or maybe not.

I come from a family where my sexuality doesn’t seem to bother anyone anymore. Everyone who sees us walking in Pride Marches together says we are all lucky indeed. True, we may be. But when you look closer, you see a lot of things that lurk beneath the surface. And they tend to come out when there is a straight marriage involved.

My sister has always been conservative. She supports right-wing fundamentalism and has a deeply moral streak. She has been supportive of the LGBT cause only because I identify as a gay man. She loves me. Truth be told, my way of being has always irked her because she likes being private, while I like being public about my thoughts and feelings. When it comes to pass that she is planning to wed, my mum gets ecstatic. She wants ‘the only wedding she will ever see’… Unfortunately, if I plan to wed, I must emigrate to a place where gay marriage is legal. Therein itself lies the rub.

In order for my family to truly see me, I cannot talk about people being killed in our community, or about my struggles with my father on a personal front. A father who beat me regularly for being gay and who went out of his way to bestow gifts on my sister, who pleased his straight, masculine heart. No, I cannot make them understand this. I cannot make them understand what it feels like when a man dumps you because he doesn’t have the courage to stand by you against his own family. I cannot make them understand that when my friends live their lives and talk about them with me, there is a difference between being at home and coming home. I cannot explain to them why gay constructs are not the same as straight constructs. How can I explain to them exactly how it feels when society refers to your partner of twenty-odd years as your friend, and you can just nod? Why even bother at this point?

So, when people say how lucky I am, I just nod.

I wish I could explain how it feels when your sister hasn’t spoken to her intended husband about your lifestyle. In essence, about who you are. I won’t even get into how it feels, in general, when your sexuality has to be explained to a stranger and his family in order to gain approval before pending nuptials. I will get into the fact that my sister refrains from mentioning it until I ask her to. Of course, I could just shut up about it and let the other family think I am straight and my partner is ‘just a friend’. I could continue to nod. But then, I wish people would just fucking stop saying I am lucky.

Then, of course, there are moments of envy. I am human. I feel. I wonder why my partner was never given the importance due to him. Why would he, who has taken care of me, my mother, my sister, my aunts and his family, never be given even an ounce of what my straight brother-in-law would be given? Because we didn’t sign a piece of paper? Because we didn’t turn circles around a pot with a fire? Because we didn’t garland each other? I have seen marriages and I have seen marriages. I have seen straight people cheat on one another; I have seen them abuse each other. I have seen them rip the hearts out of each other’s chests. But it’s all okay when they do it. The trick is to do it secretly. The trick is to attend functions and bear sons.

Relatives shall descend en masse. They will wish and they will bless. There will be fixed deposits broken. There will be an outpouring of celebration. There will be food and drink. But through it all, I know I won’t be one of them. I was not one of them when I had my heart broken; I will not be one of them when their hearts merge. People say all love is the same. Love is love. It is true. It is. But my love, by default, was no cause for celebration. Unfortunately, not even by the men I have loved. So that is it.

However, that being said, all I want is for my sister to be very happy. It is not her fault that I am gay. It is certainly not mine, or, for that matter, anyone else’s. So, I shall stand where I am supposed to stand, be happy for my sister, and I shall smile. If that isn’t luck, maybe I do not know what it means to have it.