Category: Articles

The Night Boy

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I saw an episode of the second season of Modern Love last night. It reminded me completely of myself. I have been a lover of the night, since as far back as I can remember. I love the night. Everything about it is beautiful. I have stayed awake at night since school. I would study late and then I would go to school. Nothing really changed in college. I couldn’t get up for the early morning lectures when it came to degree college. I hated waking up in the mornings.

Staying up in the day drains me. It literally takes away my peace of mind. As it is I do not do too well with peace. I am melancholic and the nature of day drains me further. There are too many people to deal with. Too many interruptions in what I wish to do by myself. There is traffic. There are irritations. There are frustrations.

The night is quieter. I wouldn’t say it is quiet, living in a city like Mumbai that never sleeps any which way. It has an ambience about it which I can never find during the day. Even the elves in J R R Tolkien’s universe awoke at night. They looked upon the stars – they were the first things the elves saw. I won’t dramatize this by saying that stars are what I love. No, it’s the moon that gets me every time. I love the moon. My favourite song happens to be Moon River. Everything to do with the moon mesmerizes me.

There is a quote I often find myself narrating, “I am not the sun, I am the moon. I soothe, I do not burn.”

This stays with me. When I chance upon the Moon in Tarot, I am mesmerized by the imagery. It is meant to be associated with the darker nature of the self, the psyche, intuition, sleep, a deep delving into the soul, if a soul there is. I think about the moon and then I think about the night. When I wake in the day, it is evening. I greet the dying sun and I am content. As he settles for the night, I find myself blossoming. Sunsets are more beautiful than sunrises. We just like to romanticize new beginnings, the end of the day can be grander and way more poetic.

For some people, like most of my loved ones, they bloom under sunlight. Mom is a bit like me, but she has to cave in to the others because she has a home to run. Doorbells and maids, food and shopping, and her daughter who doesn’t like the night. Then sometimes, I am accused of not being a part of the world, but I am. The world doesn’t die at night. There is a whole new world that opens its arms to me.

There are owls that fly by silently. Moths flutter in towards lights. The rain feels fresher, darker. Dogs move about quietly and sometimes when they fight their voices ring out. It feels like I am not quite living in a city around three and four in the morning. Memories are easier to grasp. People are easier to read. The moon is bright when it is full and you can talk to it without anyone else eaves dropping.

I can read. I can write. I can cry. Poetry comes easy. Words make prose without necessity. Meeting up people who are also night birds brings in a flock that jabber and chatter and sometimes breaks the quiet. It gives me the time to engage, not just with like minded people, but with one’s own self.

Most times, I see the sun rise. The sky becomes a dark blue. Then it lightens. Birds fly and the owls rest. Ribbons of grey filter the sky and somewhere in the east, the sun rises. Sometimes, the sunrises are beautiful to watch. Especially in the overcast filters of the monsoons. And after I say hello, it’s time to sleep.

Of MCTs and Pneumonia

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

The days seem to pass by and I am seeing them melt away. It was just yesterday that I lost Zoe. There was a blur of sadness and we got Zach from Pune. It was Diwali and he slept through the crackers and the smog. He was distant like some saint of old. Wouldn’t be affectionate with family members. But he is loved. And he loves back. In his own way. He grew up so handsome. People love the way he looks. He loves people too. I’d definitely say he takes to strangers with a tail that wags nineteen to the dozen.

Nearly eight years have passed. I fell ill with COVID in April. 4/5 of us contracted it. He was taken to a different home with Xena. Being apart from them was worse than the illness. And the sickness was truly bad. I developed viral pneumonia and nearly died around 17th. I lost my aunt. Zach loved her so. She was my last link to a childhood only she and I shared. I lost her to COVID and the chaos that became the health care system of India.

In this interim, Zach developed a boil on his stomach. It went unnoticed because of all the health problems and loss surrounding the family. Xena developed a boil in her gums. I noticed it when they returned to our home by the end of April. I thought it was a boil. I couldn’t give them a bath because of my weakness and so they were taken to a spa. I missed the boil on Zach. Brain fog and fatigue didn’t help matters. Not to mention the series of steroids, blood thinners, anticoagulants and antibiotics that were being pumped into my system.

When he developed allergies in his snout, I began treating it and it was then we began to notice that his front teeth which were already minuscule were disappearing. I checked him up and found large swellings on his gums. And the boil on his stomach. Called the vet who visits our home. The lockdown was on and so we could not take him to the vet we visit.

Got his blood work done and got some meds. But it didn’t quite help. After I began to get slightly better because the steroids were lessened and the anticoagulants were being weaned, I decided to just take him to the vet.

An FNAC was done. At home I googled his gum problem and came to the diagnosis that it is gingival hyperplasia. It’s a terrible thing. And before I could breathe after this – I had to go through CTs myself for my sinuses and chest. The score of my chest was 12/25. It didn’t show any improvement from the last CT.

Coming back from this prognosis, I received news that Zach’s tumour is a mast cell tumour. So it has to be surgically removed. I booked an appointment with the vet and he said that Zach would also need an ultrasound and X-ray to see if any cancer has spread anywhere else. The mind reels. I am not even out of pneumonia and my son gets affected by cancer.

I had to pause here because how would I be able to write what’s going on in my mind and heart exactly. There’s so much rage and so much fear. I don’t really know how to express it all. Sometimes I feel all alone. And death keeps looming around my loved ones. I don’t really care if it comes to take me. I just don’t want to die slow and I don’t want to die alone. I am super worried about Zach. I hope he goes through the surgery well and has a quick recovery. I am worried about any allergic reaction to the GA and I hope his tummy doesn’t get bad. I feel alone. And I don’t want Zach to feel scared. When he gets ill, he comes to me often. He knows that i’m the one who gives the right health care. That I’ll take care of him. I don’t know how he knows this. But he does. And I am happy I am alive for this.

My Pneumonia and Zach’s MCT

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I have just been dealing with the third CT report of my chest, that indicates no improvement as such in my lungs. Because the CT score is still 12/25. Karan says that I still have pneumonia. My blood work came back regular, with the Sedimentation Rate high. But that just indicates an inflammation which we know I still have in my lungs. Karan says that there is no fibrosis. I trust his opinion.

I booked a consult with Dr Bubna, and she called and basically said that she needed a comparative report with my CTs. She didn’t mention that last time, I just got it done for an additional 500 bucks – So anyhow she wanted it so she didn’t do the consult. So, Anand and I decided to go and speak to the CT lab directly and pay them the money. So we went, and I forgot to take my second dose of pirfenex. Sigh.

We also went to Posh Pets and Roman, hunting for oral hygiene tooth pastes and gum gels and gum wipes for the kiddos. They have both developed gingival hyperplasia. Zach has got it really bad. And when we visited the vet, we also had the growth on his stomach checked. Dr Priyanka did an FNAC.

We just got the report at 2am. It is a mast cell tumour.

Now I am freaking out, wondering if it is related to the oral break out that Zach has. I am actually feeling anxious and want to burst into tears.

These months aren’t being very kind, are they?

I have already lost someone very close to me… and I just don’t want to go through loss or trauma again – it’s just too much right about now.