Belief

I was chatting with Venkatesh about a good many things tonight. In fact, I have been having these discussions on looks and cleverness. I have so many issues about my body image and I have always felt that I look like shite. I know – intelligence be the cause – that I am good looking over all. But somehow I don’t believe in it.

He said that that was true and that he believes in the fact that I am good looking – but hell, I do not. It comes to the point that the power of belief should lie within us. It is only that which makes us self sufficient and strong enough to tackle the world. The power resides in me. either I make myself powerful or I give someone else the power.

Making myself powerful just is a win win situation. If I believe I am good looking enough I wont need the assurance of someone outside of me. And if I give someone else the power to judge me I wont ever be happy with the way that I look and I shall always be dependent on the likes and judgements of the Other. Which is like, really sad!

I just realised that eventually it just means that you need to be self-sufficient at any cost. And if you cannot be self-sufficient then you have to depend upon love. For what is love? It just is the giving up of your power into the hands of another. It asks for justification from the other and if you can love yourself that is the ultimate thing, isn’t it? You wouldn’t need anyone else.

Either way, we are fucked. That is like, pathetic!

Romil and Jugal

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Romil and Jugal is one of the latest ventures on the AltBalaji web entertainment channel. The website mentions the channel as “a subsidiary of Balaji Telefilms Limited… the Group’s foray into the Digital Entertainment space.” It says that its aim is “to reach out directly to individual audiences, by providing them with original, exclusive and tailor-made shows, that they can access at their fingertips.” And this is absolutely true – well, at least in the case of this new webseries.

Romil and Jugal encapsulates for the first time two male leads who fall in love with each other. It is a pioneering effort by an Indian cast and production team for an Indian audience. Suffice it to say, I have not seen a story that deals with homosexual love by the Indian film or television fraternity so sensitively ever before.

The series has its first season of ten episodes. The first five are free on the channel and the concluding five of the season can be purchased by a minimum fee of Rs 100/- Trust me, it’s a hundred bucks worth spent. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it the Indian version of “Queer as Follk”, it surely is a valiant and very commendable effort to get there.

The story is based loosely on William Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”. Romil (Rajeev Siddhartha) belongs to a Delhi-based Punjabi family and Jugal (Manraj Singh) belongs to a South Indian family that hails from Chennai. Rajeev has done a massively powerful enactment of the typical macho man, who has buried his sexuality deep within his consciousness. His coming out process is disturbingly painful and, sadly, what will be vastly relatable to so many from the Indian gay milieu. Jugal has portrayed his role of the guy who knows who he is and keeps a quiet dignity through the series, until the very end where even he goes through a subtle growing up that can only be classified as human. They both have brilliant chemistry on screen and it’s a pleasure to watch them fall in love.

I have never watched Indian television, in decades, because I feel after shows like Tamas, Humlog, Buniyaad, Ye Jo Hai Zindagi, Khaandaan, Indian television didn’t do much in raising the bar in individual empowerment, or even basic good story-telling. I began watching Balika Vadhu at its inception, but look how that turned out. I have no idea how Romil and Jugal will do eventually, but the first season was a brilliant step ahead, in the right direction.

The story follows these two ‘teenagers’ through school. The first crush, the first kiss, the dating, the celebration of love. The scenes that stand out for me particularly, and which were so relatable, was Jugal’s coming out to his family. Personally, I remembered the nights of concern, the utter fear of rejection from the people I love, and finally, the breaking of the dam, as you, with your throat constricting, tell your parents that you are gay. I also in particular loved the character of Meghna, Jugal’s best friend. Most of us gay boys have had that one girl who has stood by us through the darkest of times, and she was completely awesome.  The story is further empowered by brilliantly enacted character roles.

In essence, the writer Ishita Moitra, has tried to give a voice to everyone who has been a part of the gay diaspora. The boys who feel alienated, the friends who support and the friends who reject, the parent who is understanding, the parent who is not, the sister who hurts, loves and accepts, the best friend who protects. These are elements that were such a pleasure to watch. The comedy was necessary, and it wasn’t such that would be cringe-worthy. Maninee Mishra is just terrific casting for this. I understand how the tempo had to be played in order for everyone in the audience to be appeased. (Hopefully, they were, I certainly was.)

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I wasn’t surprised to learn that it was directed by a woman, Nupur Asthana. The sensitivity and thoughtfulness to detail, the nuance of what has to be restrained and what has to be shown, all so brilliantly captured by this lady’s vision.

Finally, I must say that whether or not people will watch it, this show will forever be marked in history as the first to boldly go where no one has gone before. Sorry, Trekkie fans, for the cheesy innuendo dealing – but this is exactly how I feel.

A great big thank you and bravo to the entire team of AltBalaji. Looking forward to Season 2.

Audience reactions

India Today

Watch the Series here.

Poly

I’ve fallen in love four times now. Though I have realised that love isn’t something that can be controlled with a number. There can be a first love, but who the hell can tell about their last love with certainty. Maybe they can, I have seen it happen a lot of times in movies and read about it in books, I always thought I would be able to as well. But it’s not as simple, at least for people like I.

The first was with a South African and he said he loved me and we were both 21. We lived together for 11 months. He left and said he’d be back but he never did and never gave me an explanation. He was the first guy I ever loved. And the people who knew us resented him for this. I have heard quite a bit about what should have happened and how he was wrong, but truth to tell, I could never stop loving him. It’s not a doormat thing, at all, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, for the simple reason he treated me wrong. Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not. In the same vein then, I cannot forget my love for him.

The second was a Danish guy. Tall blue eyes. Blond. He loved me to bits. But the distance proved our undoing, when I realised I was falling in love with someone who would have to leave or at the very least, stay away from me for long periods of time. But he was different; he returned and did say he would take me to Denmark. But my pride is too strong and I couldn’t let go of family and leave the country I love.

The next one I’ve been in since 2000. It’ll be 20 years in September 2020. I’ve had my expectations from love. In every relationship, some get met with some don’t. I expected sexual fidelity for the longest while. But when he cheated on me in 2013, after 13 years of my believing in monogamy, I restructured my thought process. The self esteem that was already not very great went down a sink hole. But I didn’t let go of something that took me 13 years to build and navigate through. It’s just not in me to give up and admit complete defeat without trying everything out.

So I actually took the call and opened up the relationship and gave being open a try. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It took me a year to get into bed with another guy. I haven’t had any reason to regret the alteration. Because somewhere down the line, the guys I met actually made me see different sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

Early 2017, I met someone else who I have come to love. One very important thing I’ve realised that keeps relationships of any sort alive is honesty. So I’ve been honest about Love and he has accepted it. And so I’m in love with and was love by two guys.

In April 2020, in the height of the lockdown due to Covid-19, I had a break-up. I went into depression because of it.  Life decided to take me down the route into polyamory. I haven’t regretted this. It showed me a different facet and possibility of love. I may take some time into getting over heart break again. It may prolong into a lengthy depression. Who knows?

This is it so far and tomorrow I don’t think about.