poemblog – Page 8 – Hearts Still Care

Alteration

What am I so afraid of,
Or is it that I can’t be
The ideal society
Has fashioned for me?

I try to be someone
That I cannot recognise,
An Achilles, or Zeus,
Who fucks and who lies.
But the mirror keeps laughing
At the medicated disguise.

Am I who I was then,
Or did I become their desire?
Years ago, I became a god
To make love to a loveless liar.

Yet, I was cast away!
(And that became my fear)
How and why must I alter
To keep whom I love near?

If I do succumb
And give in to keep,
Years later, alone and old,
Struggling to sleep,
Could I find myself,
After being buried so deep?

I looked at you,
Over an aching heart –
The disgust in you
Gave despair a start.

All I wanted
Was made too clear:
Strong security
And freedom from fear.

Though I know all men
Are much the same:
I played this old game
That has a new name.

I walk the night again,
It will help me cope,
With a cold future,
That freezes my hope.

Your touch has lost warmth,
My eyes aren’t as bright;
You get more than you ask
And I have no will to fight.

I am alone again,
I make love alone;
It is alone I smile,
All alone I moan.

Intimacy was lust
They blurred in the start,
I must explain this
To this fallen heart.

I’m afraid of love now.
It lurks like a crocodile underwater,
Waiting for me to fall in,
Its jaws waiting to slaughter.

It’s a hunger I share;
Though, it’s swimming with fear.
It hopes I am hungry enough;
It swims precariously near.

The reptilian eyes gleam,
Golden above the surface;
Its body, lithe and ages old,
Harbours no remorse, no disgrace.

The hunger gnaws at my sides;
The water is cool, calm, blue;
And as I slice in, I realise
I am a crocodile, too.