Friends and Lovers.

Friends and Lovers.

You asked me, some days back, why friends are all to me,
For, you say, I neglect you and think of them constantly.
When I’m with them, I give them the leisure of my smile,
But you are part of my frowns and tears all the while.
I write this on a rainy night, for you caused me hurt,
And impregnated my eye which has just given birth.
You misunderstood my heart and raved some days before,
Though I thought you – of all men – knew my heart to its core.
I feel that I thought wrong and you, a contradiction.
And now let us just dissect fact from fiction.

My smiles are not all heartfelt smiles with all of my friends;
For they neither know where my love starts nor where it ends.
But you, you do. (Or I thought you did.) They can – do not.
And intense emotions do not fall in friendship’s lot.
(Unless, of course, love plays its tumultuous role in it.)
And that is the space of difference you need to hit.
The rain has stopped outside briefly and our dog wants out:
I walked her and glared at the surrounding muck and doubt …
I have let you see the side of me only few see;
But you wish to be blind to this part of me.

Since you wish more smiles, you rate yourself to be a friend
Nothing more. So decide true, as lovers then we end?
Now, for example, take the pentacled box you bought me,
‘Twas a gift needed! Joy untold! Such felicity!
Mother asked for it since I have not put it to use,
But memory of your love, I could never abuse.
So it remains, filled with smiles (unused) still on my shelf,
Until I find a better use for it by myself.
You think (yes, yes, you do!) I look to friends more than you;
But, my silly dear, pigs will fly, if that is true.

When I first fell in love, I thought silly things,
I thought all love is the same song that life sings.
With years, I thought I learnt a different song.
Today, I know on both counts, I was wrong.
The silly band has changed, as has the sharp tune;
But the words sound the same to this bloody loon.
You talk of my friendly smiles and frowns in love,
But now let me speak of what I’m thinking of!
My box, your phone – love’s gifts – one to the other.
Though when it comes to your friend – oh, no bother!

Off goes my gift in his hand – just for a day, you say,
Oh? But there goes your argument, up the arsehole’s way!
I trade mere smiles in my friendship, mine to make and give!
I gift the love that I make myself – that’s how I live!
But you just traded my love for the sake of your friend!
I guess this is where my argument should end.

5th August.
3:30 a.m.

I Walked For Miles Tonight.

I walked for miles tonight; despair my goad;
From your doorstep to the signal lights of Link Road.
My feet moved on, with strength endless,
And time found made my mind confess.
Thoughts assailed me from hither and yon;
But, yes, as I walked on, I grew less forlorn.
From the time I left you, I searched for Hair;
But this need was overridden by despair.
As I rounded Mithibai, I looked up at a tree:
Streetlights lit its polished leaves in vanity,
Their bellies glowed golden like the setting sun,
For all their show, my gaze on them was the only one.
I was part angry, part dejected, because of you,
Though a few smaller factors were at work, too.
Betrayals I am well-versed with, for sure!
And regarding them, time, I know, is the best cure!
I passed Juhu Gali and saw a bitch and her puppy,
Felt love, hate, depair, frustration, felicity…

I want you to steal the fire from the sun;
Wish you to declare: for you I am the only one;
That you’ll be mine despite even Heaven above!
Lover, if words are not your scope then act!
Don’t play dumb when you dislike a lover’s act!
I part venture out at night to see
How far could I go before you stop me.
Hold my arms, bar my way!
If not implore, demand me stay!
Say my walking alone at night
Fills your heart with fright!
Don’t just offer money and say go back home,
Bring me back to make sure I don’t roam.
To me, that would speak of how much you care,
Ah! But your pride leads to my despair.

At Sony’s showroom, I looked up at the sky,
And, through the clouds, saw a plane pass by,
Thoughts of my sister, in a distant land, assailed,
Thoughts of spurning riches prevailed;
I did so, for I gave value to matters of the heart,
But you, too, saw different right from the start…
I do not doubt the measure of your love for me –
But pride and lack of action suits your vanity;
Then there are filial ties that bind you;
And I’m suffocated by my age, too.
Moments pass and I finally sit in a rickshaw,
I look at hair and get reminded of each flaw.
Then I return home to compose this verse:
Construct a marriage car fused with a hearse.
I have still no clue as to what’s wrong or right;
But know there’ll be more walks for me at night.

2nd September, 2004.
3:00 am

A Beautiful Lie.

He left – so long ago – and yet, you cry –
There is that tear within your glassy eye …
Denying this shall do you no good, my dear,
The life of your hope still shines in that tear.

I have loved you – with a necessity –
You are my breath; my soul’s eternity –
And then – he walks by, my love, and that tear
Appears,
it unmans me,
fills me with fear
That rips my heart to shreds – each time,
each time …

My friends told me, with arguments so fine,
Of how and why I ought to let you go;
My pride agreed, but – my heart shouted: “No!”
I was selfish – but no more!
I am done!

I shall move away! For your sake, I’ll shun
My hope – which I have saved, for so, so long …

I know my name takes no note in the song
You sing – but then, all you sang was bliss t’me
(It still is! That’s the pain of Memory!)

No more!
I am done.

And yet, so serene
Seem all those memories, that laugh, that smile –

But then, I was your laugh, he is your dream –
I lived a beautiful lie for a while;
And, now, it is high time I say my goodbye …

Though …
I’ll be near to wipe your tears if you cry.