Tag: love

The Breath I Breathe

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I am tired of writing about love and being loved,
I have seen it all and yet, I keep trying;
My heart never learned and now neither does the brain –
It is a limitless rigmarole of lying!

Maybe I confuse love with acceptance:
Seeing myself as Perfect, in the eyes of a lover;
But, eventually, I see myself as lacking
Remorse is what I eventually discover.

Ironic sure that the last who loved me
When I was young, now wants someone younger;
Ironic more that he who says loves me now,
Professed cluelessly, quite the same hunger.

Confessions and cheatings have torn my soul apart,
So much so that I have no soul left to bare;
I truly wish I had no use for this miserable heart:
All it has conferred on me is dead-ended despair.

Somewhere delving deeper than heart sinew,
I must have found some self worth, some strength;
But all love does is push it right back in
And holds me up to ridicule and judgement.

Words, when spoken by those I love, shatter
Good, vain preconceptions I have fostered of me;
So I pick and dissect all those that matter
Yet relegate each to just horned-up sexuality.

I really thought I had pushed love out of my system,
Look to the mirror for that is what they all see!
But time makes me commit the same mistake over
And think that love finally wanted the heart in me.

If you want the heart it lies in a body just as mine
And is this not love to love both just the same
My heart has grown older with my body over time
And both still respond to the very same name.

But I am tired of writing about being unloved,
I have seen it all and yet I keep trying,
And I know now that love will not stop
Until the breath I breathe before dying.

The Moon, an Anger and a Sadness

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

The Anger suddenly builds!
There’s no way to let it out.
Who would I let it out on:
On Him, on Fact, on Me, on Doubt?

I have spent the Sadness
All that I had to give,
Now I burst with Anger
That doesn’t want to forgive.

The Moon laughs at me,
She who I know so well;
How this story will end,
Even she can foretell.

I turn away from her, too,
She who has been a friend;
She is no longer someone
On whom I can depend.

Like most of the hearts
To whom I gave my love,
She lies far away,
In an unreachable above.

I have nothing to offer,
I have nothing more to say,
When heartbreak comes calling,
I’ll let him have his way.

I had such hopes,
Such hopes had I,
I had tried so hard,
How hard I still try;

But it all comes to nought,
I have no more of me to give,
So all I can do is love,
All I get to do is live.

I am angry for a reason;
But reasons are no excuse;
No one wishes to learn;
Everyone has their own views.

I ramble on and I rant and rave,
I have tried it all, you see;
I am angry now, but in a while,
I’ll bear each end willingly.

Poly

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

I’ve fallen in love four times now. Though I have realised that love isn’t something that can be controlled with a number. There can be a first love, but who the hell can tell about their last love with certainty. Maybe they can, I have seen it happen a lot of times in movies and read about it in books, I always thought I would be able to as well. But it’s not as simple, at least for people like I.

The first was with a South African and he said he loved me and we were both 21. We lived together for 11 months. He left and said he’d be back but he never did and never gave me an explanation. He was the first guy I ever loved. And the people who knew us resented him for this. I have heard quite a bit about what should have happened and how he was wrong, but truth to tell, I could never stop loving him. It’s not a doormat thing, at all, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, for the simple reason he treated me wrong. Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not. In the same vein then, I cannot forget my love for him.

The second was a Danish guy. Tall blue eyes. Blond. He loved me to bits. But the distance proved our undoing, when I realised I was falling in love with someone who would have to leave or at the very least, stay away from me for long periods of time. But he was different; he returned and did say he would take me to Denmark. But my pride is too strong and I couldn’t let go of family and leave the country I love.

The next one I’ve been in since 2000. It’ll be 20 years in September 2020. I’ve had my expectations from love. In every relationship, some get met with some don’t. I expected sexual fidelity for the longest while. But when he cheated on me in 2013, after 13 years of my believing in monogamy, I restructured my thought process. The self esteem that was already not very great went down a sink hole. But I didn’t let go of something that took me 13 years to build and navigate through. It’s just not in me to give up and admit complete defeat without trying everything out.

So I actually took the call and opened up the relationship and gave being open a try. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It took me a year to get into bed with another guy. I haven’t had any reason to regret the alteration. Because somewhere down the line, the guys I met actually made me see different sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

Early 2017, I met someone else who I have come to love. One very important thing I’ve realised that keeps relationships of any sort alive is honesty. So I’ve been honest about Love and he has accepted it. And so I’m in love with and was love by two guys.

In April 2020, in the height of the lockdown due to Covid-19, I had a break-up. I went into depression because of it.  Life decided to take me down the route into polyamory. I haven’t regretted this. It showed me a different facet and possibility of love. I may take some time into getting over heart break again. It may prolong into a lengthy depression. Who knows?

This is it so far and tomorrow I don’t think about.