We talk so much about men being the problem—and let’s be real, patriarchy is a man-made hellscape—but what we don’t talk about enough is how often women themselves keep this toxic cycle alive. It’s not just men enforcing these outdated, oppressive rules. Sometimes, it’s mothers, aunts, teachers, older sisters—the very women who should be fighting for the next generation but instead become their biggest roadblock. And it’s not always because they’re evil or malicious. A lot of times, it’s because they never had the chance to break free themselves.
When Women Become the Enforcers of Patriarchy
Ever met a woman who’s so bitter about her own lack of choices that she makes damn sure her daughter has just as few? It’s tragic, but it happens all the time. A mother who was forced into an arranged marriage at 18 won’t let her daughter marry for love because she wasn’t allowed to. A woman who had to give up her education to be a housewife makes sure her daughter stays “in her limits” instead of pursuing a career. It’s the whole “If I suffered, so should you” mentality.
Why? Because freedom can feel like an insult to those who never had it. Instead of seeing their daughters break the cycle and being proud, they see it as a slap in the face. A reminder of what they never got. And so, they pull their own daughters back into the same trap, justifying it as “tradition,” “duty,” or “the right way for a woman to be.”
Audre Lorde said it best: “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” If women keep enforcing the same patriarchal rules that were forced on them, how does anything ever change?
Women Who Defend Their Own Oppression
Then there’s another category: the “pick me” women. The ones who will do anything to be validated by men, even if it means throwing other women under the bus. These are the ones who say, “I’m not like other girls,” who shame feminists, who defend men like Andrew Tate, and who parrot the same misogynistic nonsense they’ve heard from their fathers, brothers, and boyfriends.
This isn’t new. It’s the same reason so many women campaigned against their own right to vote back in the early 20th century. It’s why you’ll find women justifying domestic abuse, policing other women’s clothing, or preaching that a woman’s biggest achievement is “being a good wife and mother”—even when it’s clear they themselves are miserable in those roles.
It’s internalised misogyny at its finest, and it’s exhausting.
Queer Men and the Femme Stigma
As a queer person, I understand this on another level. The world punishes femininity—whether it’s in women or men. One of the reasons so many gay men get bullied isn’t just because they’re gay; it’s because they’re femme. Because in this cis male-dominated world, nothing is seen as more pathetic than a man who acts like a woman. It tells you everything you need to know about how society sees women.
And let’s not forget, a lot of homophobic bullying by boys? It’s done to impress girls. I’ve seen it firsthand—boys making fun of the “gay kid” just to get a few laughs from the girls around them. And some of these girls? They laugh because deep down, they’ve been taught that men being soft, vulnerable, or feminine is disgusting. They’ve learned that from their mothers, who learned it from their mothers, and the cycle goes on.
Let’s break this pattern!
We can’t just say “men need to do better” and leave it at that. Because the reality is, if women are still raising their daughters to be obedient and their sons to be dominant, nothing really changes.
• Teach kids young. This isn’t just about telling girls they can be strong; it’s about telling boys they can be soft. That crying isn’t weak. That being kind isn’t “gay.” That respect isn’t conditional.
• Call out internalised misogyny when you see it. If a woman is tearing another woman down, question it. Ask why. Make her reflect.
• Stop raising women to suffer. If you’re a mother, an aunt, a sister, an older cousin—don’t clip another girl’s wings just because yours were clipped. Let her fly.
At the end of the day, we’re all hurting in one way or another. The least we can do is stop adding to each other’s pain. Instead of telling people to “rise above” their suffering, maybe we should start pulling through it together.
Hearts Still Care 