The silence of the dark rustles the trees,
The sound of the flute lilts in deep desire.
The women wake from their sleep with ease
And they make their way towards its fire.
He stands with his waist curved and feet crossed,
Marigolds around him breathe perfume.
The girls smile and sway, their clothes tossed,
Around and across the light of the moon.
They touch and swirl around his dark blue form,
Their bangles giving chorus to his sound;
Each one of them in love, each one love lorn,
Each getting lost not wanting to be found.
He smiles. With wisdom in each of his smiles,
His lips keep playing, each thinks he is hers,
The forest grows darker, the moon beguiles,
The dark grows light, while the light in dark blurs.
Yesterday just before I was leaving to watch Passengers, Saurabh gave me a call and asked if I had heard the news. I asked what news? And he replied with, “Tilikum died”. My heart sank.
It’s life’s ultimate cruelty. Sea World’s branch in San Diego had just announced their last killer whale show. The detractors of Sea World rejoiced. It was a small step toward what they had always wanted. Sea World closing shop, albeit one show in one branch. Of course, it did not mean that there would be no more shows of whales, dolphins, seals, or not to keep several species in captivity, elsewhere, doomed to live an unnatural life devoid of natural attachment and rightful freedom. But where Tilly, as he came to be known in affection, was imprisoned, there would be no showcasing of orcas.
It then came as such a tragedy that Tilikum, the whale responsible for generating such a verdict, would meet his end a week later. It’s almost as if he was born to bring an end to the shows, he had been a part of for approximately 30 years, which so heavily impacted the captured animal trade that exists for base human entertainment. His role in the universe was done and he made his exit amidst millions of tears and tragic applause.
He died at the age of 36. Two other people who impacted my life through their work and lives also died at 36: Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. No strange thing that I felt a deep affinity for him ever since I saw Blackfish. The documentary left such an impact on me. I’ve grown up having this link to animals. I’ve been with dogs since I was four, and I have grown up in their company. A deep desire has always been to visit the Masai plains and watch the wildebeeste migrate from there to the Serengeti. It’s a calling that I have not yet wholly understood… and I don’t really try to. I have grown up with The Black Stallion being my all-time favourite movie. I used to watch Attenborough religiously in all of his shows dealing with the wild. I cried copiously when I watch Elsa, the lioness, walk away from Joy Adamson, and I remember not ever wanting to see that movie again, as a child. I couldn’t understand why they had to give her up to the wild.
I understand it now.
Freedom is something human beings should understand most of all. We have had revolutions dedicated to its cause. Humanity has so much grace and valour. We deem ourselves to be the most intelligent species on Earth, and yet, we are capable of such barbarism! Intelligent and yet oblivious. Glorious and yet despotic! Capable of such good and yet of such violence. Believers in a higher power and yet have no fear of it. Relativity is taken for granted and thinking through another perspective isn’t even applied. The concept of freedom, I know, can never be understood unless it is taken away.
My heart grieved bitterly. It continued to do so since years, when I hear about the plight of creatures that have been mistreated, victimised, slaughtered. It grieves now. It will continue to do so. But I am afraid that these debates have overtaken public consciousness to such an extent that it’s already a non-issue even in the minds of those who would otherwise care. Apathy created from explanation. It’s so strange. This is also a human condition.
Tilikum died. He died. Alone. Hanging in a small pool.
Ever since the death of Dawn Brancheau in February, 2010, his story has spread far and wide. But his condition worsened. Trainers wouldn’t touch him. He was kept in the size of a pool which would be the equivalent of a human being in a bath tub. He was hosed down instead of being massaged. He was isolated. His shows were cancelled. And he would rest perpendicular in this pool for hours – the sight of which is so horrifyingly filled with despair that even the most ignorant of human hearts would still in response.
I have no faith left in humanity. I have no belief left for higher governance, earthly or divine. I have no recourse except to mention in a most insignificant blog about how I feel and what Tilly meant to me. I just know now, that death brings the ultimate peace and for sure, he is finally at rest.
It’s been a while since a movie moved me to tears. I remember it happening when Meryl Streep sang The Winner Takes It All. Today, it happened – not so intensely, but it would have if I wasn’t sitting with a stranger to my left – because I was so deeply moved by the movie. I guess I realise why a movie is called a movie, and I know I speak figuratively, because otherwise it does derive itself literally from moving pictures.
The story was well-written. I loved the personifications of Love, Death and Time. They were surreal and brilliant. Kiera was effervescent as Love, Helen was fantastic as Death, and there was a new boy who played Time, I don’t quite remember his name.
Before the movie, something happened to put me in a melancholy mood. I had come out from a bath and so had Anand and all I asked him to do was lie down beside me and cuddle. Well, it so happened that it was just me cuddling. He couldn’t even bother to put his arms around me. You know, how they say life flashes before you, moments before you die? Well, love flashed before my eyes, and I realised that he truly doesn’t want me anymore.
It’s a bitter thing to swallow. He may need me for various reasons, but I think we are both pulling this through because we are just so used to each other now, we don’t seem to see a world where the other doesn’t feature – and ever since we opened the relationship any semblance of intimacy we had is truly dead. At least on his behalf. I keep trying to touch him, but then again, that’s just me. For him, he couldn’t even be bothered to try.
It’s not a sexual thing, love never was with me… And I have only just realised that – I always would equate making love with love and that is not true. There is a saying that Helen Mirren, as Death, mentions to a parent at the loss of their child, “Just make sure you notice the collateral beauty.”
That is what I have been doing… every time something little dies in me, I try and think of why I am carrying on. What pulls me to another day. What gets me to work at night. What makes me think of another Christmas. Writing this I feel I may just burst into tears, but all I am doing is think about the collateral beauty of it all. I just keep gathering it, and gathering it and gathering…
Hearts Still Care 
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