I can put away the pill;
I haven’t put away my pain;
But sleep is lured to me,
As fatigue strives again.
The draining of the heart
Is a gruelling process –
a rigmarole of feeling
That affords no recess.
Four words from someone
Can tear you down;
Four words can also freely
Send in the clowns.
I want to try and see
If I can earn some sleep
Without its torturing –
Or its rest being deep.
If I can be let go,
Despite love and living,
It’s time to take heed
And start a self forgiving.
I went for a walk.
(I struck out “with you”)
You walked ahead,
In silence.
A stranger maintaining social distancing.
I walked behind you.
The silence lasted
The entire walk.
20 minutes.
It felt like each time
You left me alone –
Outside dressing rooms,
In parties,
In your family.
It exacerbated
All recent loss
All of my grief.
But I counted on you
For relief.
Instead,
You took me into the past.
And reminded me
Of who you were,
Who I was,
Before I became.
Now,
Again,
I forget my name.
I wonder if this is how
Love makes all pain last,
As this walk took me farther from my future,
Into an apathetic past.
Sleep has left the building.
She has to be coerced with a pill.
She has no claims to fantasy.
She requires no story.
Give her a story
And she will stay away pursuing it.
She’s best left storyless
And thus, barren.
A pill is her fee.
She comes – carelessly –
And then has a brood of dreams.
Dreams I would rather not have;
Because they remind me of loss
And pain –
And people who won’t love me again.
Sleep smiles. I forced her with a pill.
So I am punished.
Her brood wakes me up
And the moment, I open my eyes,
She is once again set free.
Hearts Still Care 
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