Belief

I was chatting with Venkatesh about a good many things tonight. In fact, I have been having these discussions on looks and cleverness. I have so many issues about my body image and I have always felt that I look like shite. I know – intelligence be the cause – that I am good looking over all. But somehow I don’t believe in it.

He said that that was true and that he believes in the fact that I am good looking – but hell, I do not. It comes to the point that the power of belief should lie within us. It is only that which makes us self sufficient and strong enough to tackle the world. The power resides in me. either I make myself powerful or I give someone else the power.

Making myself powerful just is a win win situation. If I believe I am good looking enough I wont need the assurance of someone outside of me. And if I give someone else the power to judge me I wont ever be happy with the way that I look and I shall always be dependent on the likes and judgements of the Other. Which is like, really sad!

I just realised that eventually it just means that you need to be self-sufficient at any cost. And if you cannot be self-sufficient then you have to depend upon love. For what is love? It just is the giving up of your power into the hands of another. It asks for justification from the other and if you can love yourself that is the ultimate thing, isn’t it? You wouldn’t need anyone else.

Either way, we are fucked. That is like, pathetic!

What ‘poor’ signifies, IMO

When someone else calls us poor, we don’t like it. Irrespective of the fact that in 2015, around 170 million people, or 12.4%, lived in poverty a reduction from 29.8% in 2009. Poverty in India is a historical reality. The world has 872.3 million people below the new poverty line, of which 179.6 million people lived in India. In other words, India with 17.5% of total world’s population, had 20.6% share of world’s poorest in 2011.

Now consider the fact that Homosexuality is mostly a taboo subject in Indian civil society and for the government. Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code makes sex with persons of the same gender punishable by law. On 2 July 2009, in Naz Foundation v. Govt. of NCT of Delhi, the Delhi High Court held that provision to be unconstitutional with respect to sex between consenting adults, but the Supreme Court of India overturned that ruling on 11 December 2013, stating that the court was instead deferring to Indian legislators to provide the sought-after clarity. Mental, physical, emotional and economic violence against LGBT community in India prevails. Lacking support from family, society or police, many gay rape victims don’t report the crimes.

Historical literary evidence indicates that homosexuality has been prevalent across the Indian subcontinent throughout history, and that homosexuals were not necessarily considered inferior in any way until about 18th century.

So in effect the colonial law still prevails here. I don’t get how we get upset about what one business man says about our country which is statistically accurate but we don’t when Indians still abuse human rights for our own people in our own country. Where is this outrage then??

The health ministry says, Our culture doesn’t back smoking by women. A politician says, “Boys and girls should be married by the time they turn 16, so that they do not stray… this will decrease the incidents of rape.” One says on the matter of rape that “this kind of rape should not occur.” Another says, “we should avoid the use of computers and English in India.” There is the quote regarding malnutrition in a state talking about figure conscious girls being on a diet. Another says, “90% rape cases are consensual.” And if we talk about being poor, one politician states, “Rs 600 per month is enough to feed a family of five.”

But these comments do not gain notoriety.

Ten years after their first such survey, the Delhi-based Centre for the Study in Developing Societies (CSDS) and Konrad Adenauer Stiftung (KAS), a German foundation associated with a political party, conducted a sample survey on 6122 respondents in the age group of 15-34 years in 19 Indian states. The findings were released on Monday.

As regards the point about phones and social media and the usage of the same: Half of all young people had never used social media. Among those who had, Whatsapp and Facebook were the most popular. Over 80% of young people reported owning a mobile phone, of which over half were smartphones. Over a quarter owned a laptop.

The survey shows that support among young people is low for what are believed to be progressive issues. More young people support banning movies which hurt religious sentiments than oppose it, more support the death penalty than oppose it, and more disagree that the consumption of beef is a personal choice. These opinions vary sharply by religion; Muslim youth are more likely to oppose the death penalty and 69% disagree with any objection to the consumption of beef.

While there is relative support for equal access to education for men and women and for women leaders, many also subscribe to deeply patriarchal views with over half saying that wives must always listen to their husbands.

Close on the heels of the debate over racism in India, just 63% of young people say they wouldn’t mind an African neighbour.
A majority also believed that religion (47%) should take precedence over science (33%).
Despite an increase in the share of young people who approve of inter-caste marriage over time, the share of people practising what they preach is miniscule; just 4% had an inter-caste marriage, and just 3% an inter-religious one. The vast majority – 84% – had an arranged marriage and just 6% had a love marriage. Love marriages were more common among dalits (10%) and Muslims (7%). Among those who had love marriages, three out of ten were inter-caste.

The comment by one person regarding our country puts us in a flutter. All we do is bluster and get angry, we want a ban. Why don’t we look and see what can be bettered then: our mind sets, our work ethic, our outlook toward the different and broaden our collective consciousness to be an encouraging part of the world?

Poly

I’ve fallen in love four times now. Though I have realised that love isn’t something that can be controlled with a number. There can be a first love, but who the hell can tell about their last love with certainty. Maybe they can, I have seen it happen a lot of times in movies and read about it in books, I always thought I would be able to as well. But it’s not as simple, at least for people like I.

The first was with a South African and he said he loved me and we were both 21. We lived together for 11 months. He left and said he’d be back but he never did and never gave me an explanation. He was the first guy I ever loved. And the people who knew us resented him for this. I have heard quite a bit about what should have happened and how he was wrong, but truth to tell, I could never stop loving him. It’s not a doormat thing, at all, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, for the simple reason he treated me wrong. Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not. In the same vein then, I cannot forget my love for him.

The second was a Danish guy. Tall blue eyes. Blond. He loved me to bits. But the distance proved our undoing, when I realised I was falling in love with someone who would have to leave or at the very least, stay away from me for long periods of time. But he was different; he returned and did say he would take me to Denmark. But my pride is too strong and I couldn’t let go of family and leave the country I love.

The next one I’ve been in since 2000. It’ll be 20 years in September 2020. I’ve had my expectations from love. In every relationship, some get met with some don’t. I expected sexual fidelity for the longest while. But when he cheated on me in 2013, after 13 years of my believing in monogamy, I restructured my thought process. The self esteem that was already not very great went down a sink hole. But I didn’t let go of something that took me 13 years to build and navigate through. It’s just not in me to give up and admit complete defeat without trying everything out.

So I actually took the call and opened up the relationship and gave being open a try. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It took me a year to get into bed with another guy. I haven’t had any reason to regret the alteration. Because somewhere down the line, the guys I met actually made me see different sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

Early 2017, I met someone else who I have come to love. One very important thing I’ve realised that keeps relationships of any sort alive is honesty. So I’ve been honest about Love and he has accepted it. And so I’m in love with and was love by two guys.

In April 2020, in the height of the lockdown due to Covid-19, I had a break-up. I went into depression because of it.  Life decided to take me down the route into polyamory. I haven’t regretted this. It showed me a different facet and possibility of love. I may take some time into getting over heart break again. It may prolong into a lengthy depression. Who knows?

This is it so far and tomorrow I don’t think about.