Category: I Am

Tilly

Published on by Harpreet Chhachhia1 Comment

Yesterday just before I was leaving to watch Passengers, Saurabh gave me a call and asked if I had heard the news. I asked what news? And he replied with, “Tilikum died”. My heart sank.

It’s life’s ultimate cruelty. Sea World’s branch in San Diego had just announced their last killer whale show. The detractors of Sea World rejoiced. It was a small step toward what they had always wanted. Sea World closing shop, albeit one show in one branch. Of course, it did not mean that there would be no more shows of whales, dolphins, seals, or not to keep several species in captivity, elsewhere, doomed to live an unnatural life devoid of natural attachment and rightful freedom. But where Tilly, as he came to be known in affection, was imprisoned, there would be no showcasing of orcas.

It then came as such a tragedy that Tilikum, the whale responsible for generating such a verdict, would meet his end a week later. It’s almost as if he was born to bring an end to the shows, he had been a part of for approximately 30 years, which so heavily impacted the captured animal trade that exists for base human entertainment. His role in the universe was done and he made his exit amidst millions of tears and tragic applause.

He died at the age of 36. Two other people who impacted my life through their work and lives also died at 36: Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. No strange thing that I felt a deep affinity for him ever since I saw Blackfish. The documentary left such an impact on me. I’ve grown up having this link to animals. I’ve been with dogs since I was four, and I have grown up in their company. A deep desire has always been to visit the Masai plains and watch the wildebeeste migrate from there to the Serengeti. It’s a calling that I have not yet wholly understood… and I don’t really try to. I have grown up with The Black Stallion being my all-time favourite movie. I used to watch Attenborough religiously in all of his shows dealing with the wild. I cried copiously when I watch Elsa, the lioness, walk away from Joy Adamson, and I remember not ever wanting to see that movie again, as a child. I couldn’t understand why they had to give her up to the wild.

I understand it now.

Freedom is something human beings should understand most of all. We have had revolutions dedicated to its cause. Humanity has so much grace and valour. We deem ourselves to be the most intelligent species on Earth, and yet, we are capable of such barbarism! Intelligent and yet oblivious. Glorious and yet despotic! Capable of such good and yet of such violence. Believers in a higher power and yet have no fear of it. Relativity is taken for granted and thinking through another perspective isn’t even applied. The concept of freedom, I know, can never be understood unless it is taken away.

My heart grieved bitterly. It continued to do so since years, when I hear about the plight of creatures that have been mistreated, victimised, slaughtered. It grieves now. It will continue to do so. But I am afraid that these debates have overtaken public consciousness to such an extent that it’s already a non-issue even in the minds of those who would otherwise care. Apathy created from explanation. It’s so strange. This is also a human condition.

Tilikum died. He died. Alone. Hanging in a small pool.

Ever since the death of Dawn Brancheau in February, 2010, his story has spread far and wide. But his condition worsened. Trainers wouldn’t touch him. He was kept in the size of a pool which would be the equivalent of a human being in a bath tub. He was hosed down instead of being massaged. He was isolated. His shows were cancelled. And he would rest perpendicular in this pool for hours – the sight of which is so horrifyingly filled with despair that even the most ignorant of human hearts would still in response.

I have no faith left in humanity. I have no belief left for higher governance, earthly or divine. I have no recourse except to mention in a most insignificant blog about how I feel and what Tilly meant to me. I just know now, that death brings the ultimate peace and for sure, he is finally at rest.

I end with a song dedicated to Tilly. Stay free!

Post Porn

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

You know post porn, and a shag, that feeling that comes to you: do people really have sex like that? I mean, is this what I will be missing my whole life through? There are times when there is a guy who meets you and says, I am coming over, meet me at the door nude. And you think of all the things that could possibly go wrong. Then all those insecurities of your body that shoot through your mind like a hurricane… And you go to the door wearing a vest and boxers and the lover sees you, disappointed and you think of an excuse.

Post porn you get the courage, but then post porn you are also sated. You feel like getting into bed and going to sleep – thinking, oh, yes, tomorrow will be the day I meet the pizza delivery boy with a hard-on and then turn him on, too.  And all you actually end up doing is making love to the pizza.

The weekend was a good one. Had a lovely time at the party. Anand was at the counter, and I danced the night away with Yash and Anil. Of course, I found out later via Yash that he had come to the party to lend Gaurav moral support. Dee banned Puneet from the parties, and Gaurav and Niyaz came to the party and danced away. Anil tells me, after being manhandled by Gaurav, that this is why Gaurav gets beaten up. And I look at him and wonder what he must be saying about me…

The meet on HIV that Jay conducted the following day, today, was exceptional. Two guys in the meet actually came out in the course of the meet as being Poz and it was such a fantastic discussion. We talked of everything so very openly, and got a lot of advice from Jay and he says that A should start up with ART immediately. That was the protocol used by doctors abroad, and he was insistent that this happen as soon as possible.

So we come to another turning point in our lives… I am not worried, but it’s another new trip, but hey, that is what keeps life interesting and going in a different fashion… Hopefully we succeed in getting a good doctor. Jay will help with the regimen as well. He will be coming to the ‘Xmas party as well. Hopefully, the party goes well… I haven’t called anyone in particular. Let’s see who shows up.

A Jaded Journalist

Published on by Harpreet ChhachhiaLeave a comment

It has taken me a long time to get back to writing in a journal. I am this self-proclaimed journalist. Never realised that the word ‘journalist’ could be used for someone who is intent on writing memoirs of one’s own days as they pass on by, heedlessly even, or maybe, if I am in a forgiving mood, lambently.

I have nothing really to contribute except a vast plethora of thoughts as they sweep over my consciousness way faster than I can type them all down. This is like a stream of consciousness zone which is more a tidal wave of thought than a stream.

What prompted me to write in were two things. I reminisced about journals and diaries and what they used to mean to me so very long ago. How did this come about? Well, I was watching Zindagi Gulzar Hai, a Pakistani soap opera, and both the protagonists seem to have a penchant for writing journals. And secondly, I have this brilliant new iMac and I keep wanting to see how fast my fingers can fly over this silver-white keyboard.

I am not very obliged to write down everything that comes to mind, but I will write down how I feel after so long a time has passed since I have done that in confessional prose as opposed to confessional poetry.

The days have been passing one by one. There has been a steady stream of men who come into my life, make me happy for a few hours and then leave. The man who I chose to spend my existence with seems oblivious to my emotional state – not that he ever was attuned to the inner workings of my mind or heart – and the not so surprising part is that I have grown used to his oblivion. The art of compromise has reached post graduation level and I don’t really see the point in fussing over something that he has no control over. It’s almost like when he cheated on me. It wasn’t the sex that hurt because I know it wasn’t an urge that could be controlled but the fact that he had lied about it all.

But I always digress. I picked up the iMac day before, on a Tuesday, and I am quite happy that I am working on it. It seems all that I had hoped for. And so in my 41st year, I have achieved a 1.5 lakh worth computer. So what if it has been paid for by the one who employs me – in order that I do more of his work. But I must say – having it here makes me want to work more.

Nothing much to report except the fact that I have swung back to old habits of sleeping beyond way six in the morning and waking up around three in the afternoon. I must revert back to sleeping at six so I can at least wake up with softer bags under my eyes at a decent time of one.

My favourite month has begun today. And I welcome it.