Harpreet Chhachhia

The words that’re whispered over three AM talks
Ignoring thunder under rainfall walks
Because you noticed a light in my eyes
Then, when self-esteem was but a word
And the world was a cesspool of lies
Which could be felt and not just heard

Then, when you took me and kissed my lips
And my heart danced in catatonic flips
Then it was that your hair gleamed in the sun
As it fell on my chest, I held it tight
I’d no hope even then that you were one
To last through the day unto the lost night

I recall not one word from yesterday
For none matter now, words aren’t meant to stay
The feel of your hair is gone with that hour
And you have found another pair of eyes
To taste, to praise, to dive in and devour
You become a ninja master of disguise.

I smile and move on to the next three AM talk
Maybe this time I’ll learn and won’t do the walk
The thunder would groan and rumble with might
I’ll notice it keen through the still warm rain
And when I pass you via a quiet night
It will be quite like we were strangers again.

I knew it was bound to happen. It probably has been happening, who knows? But when one’s partner of nearly 16 years settles into an open relationship and hooks up, and you get to know about it, it’s unsettling.

I knew he cheated on me in 2013. There are so many different reasons and there are so many different questions. But I had not had sex with another man besides him for 13 years. I perhaps languished when the sex stopped. I perhaps assailed myself with the thought that he was sexual, he wasn’t interested in it. Then I realised on my very own that he was getting off on his way to work or perhaps after.

I realised and I confronted and he confessed. The sex, truly, wasn’t the issue. It was me being taken for a fool that was upsetting, to say the least. I had always been taken for granted in many ways, this was just another straw – but it was what broke my resolve that monogamy could be had in our relationship.

I said alright. Let’s go ahead and open the relationship. I wouldn’t be able to leave him. This wasn’t a big enough reason… I’ve had a much bigger reason earlier on – and perhaps, then I didn’t want to confront the idea of me being cheated on then. Perhaps, I was in denial then. I am not anymore. So why am I still with him?

There are a lot of reasons that work for him and against him. But I cannot allow him getting off with some guy be a reason to call off 16 years of being together. He knows me, so yea, shouldn’t have that been incentive enough for me? If he knows me he would know how this would go – but I surprised both of us. I didn’t leave. I just decided it was time for me to do a little bit of soul searching and for me to go on and close this book and pick up the next in the series.

It took me a while to be with another guy. It made me realise that I was desirable still. That I have it in me to be attractive. It made me realise that I was finally succeeding in not caring about what other people thought, after all, and just be. Being monogamous was what I thought would help me see that I could find happiness with someone else. Being in an open relationship made me realise that I didn’t have to find happiness with someone else, I had to find it within me. It’s not a fucking cliche, its the truth.

So today I realised something else, I still hold on to routines. A timeline. Some time when he and I can spend together. But he chose to hook up on our time. Maybe we need to sit and talk this through. Make a plan, have a boundary? Then I think that is falling into the same cycle of creating a construct, a box-in. If one has to be free, and truly open, then one needs to just let go.

If life doesn’t work in this way, it’s time to evolve and let it take me where it goes. So I need to stop that niggling hurt from growing. Let it be. Let him be. And maybe in some time, I will be a bit more free.