I suddenly spiralled into something really dark.

I was talking to Danica the night through, and I was hearing all the pain she was going through. Then I thought of all the pain her mother went through. And then all the pain her mother went through, and I thought of my life. And how my sister’s life has come about.

So much potential.

So much waste.

So much love.

So much hate.

And I crawled into my darkness.

The moment began like a crystal womb beckoning me inside, and I crawled on all my fours and went in. It’s like the loop going on in my head of Birdy’s song. I really tried hard to fight, but all I want to do is fall.

I just feel… looking back at all the years I had lived — and they have not all been bad. They have had their share of love in my grandmother. In my aunts. I also think my mother and father loved me despite it all. What I brought to the table with my sensitivity and empathy and stupidity and false bravado.

How I break like a pane of thin stained glass at the slightest bit of a hammer.

And life can be such a hammer.

And then there are smithereens of stained coloured glass, and then it’s all rebuilt again into a different shape from the same form. And I just don’t surrender, and I wonder: why?

I am seeing two of my fur kids growing old. They both are struggling to live, get up each day despite the cancers. And I have a new baby, two years old, and she’s such a good girl. And I wondered why I did it. Why am I fighting against life? Against death? Two sides of the same fuckign coin.

There’s such a cooling and heating all the time within.

And I am wondering why the hell am I not just giving up.

Why do I want more?

More love.

More friendship.

When all that will happen is loss, loss, and more loss. People fade. Drift away. Break away. And we rebuild.

It’s so tiring.

I’m so tired.