People come into my life
And they say they love
And then they take parts of me away
They take away favourite things of mine
Things I share with them
A movie I loved but now cannot watch
Because we bonded with it
A month I adored
By now I don’t because of a birthday
Sweets that craved
But now I can’t because I cannot bake
With him, of him, by him.
Small parts of my innards
Wound against a stick and pulled out
Slowly.
I have also begun self hate
Why would I not have the balls
To move on?
What makes my heart the way
It made my dad keep hammering me
Through childhood and teens.
Be a man.
Be strong.
Don’t be a pussy.
Son of a bitch.
You got shit in your head.
And here I am –
Being everything opposite.
Now I don’t do it with pride.
Pride’s gone.
Love has torn it apart.
It’s like you don’t want me
I don’t make you happy
But I’m willing to bend over
Backwards.
My father would have been so proud.
I’m not.
But there’ll come a time
When your own sense of political correctness
Will make you realise
You did a wrong.
You may not have taken a belt to me.
Just a slap. Long ago.
And I took it.
And I still wanted you.
Like I wanted my father to love me.
But I wanted a lover.
And you were crueller.
With dad, I knew he hated me. He left.
You loved me, you said.
You held me and said I promise.
And then, you decided for yourself.
And you left.
And you took my favourite things away.
And left me with regret
Something
Even my father could never make me do.