I cannot be a faker. Whatever acting I have done, I did on stage. Even then, I was being true to the character I was portraying. Being sensitive, emotions ride my life. When I feel bad, I go quiet. When I am in pain, I go quiet. I cannot smile and pretend the hurt away. I envy those who think about it and then move on to more important matters. They are sages. I am not.

There are times when I know more than I can handle. I can handle it, though. But the wisdom that allows me to do this is mistaken as strength. Maybe it is. Maybe it is something else. Maybe I have just been prepared to deal with the pain and so when it actually comes, I brace against it. Who knows? I may think this is true. Others may see me differently.

I do know that I cannot pretend that nothing is wrong when there is. I want to address the issue. But realising there is an issue is just the first step, which I do better than most. However, before addressing it, I have to sit and think. I have to actualise in my mind all the pros and cons of any retaliation. I’m so doing, I prepare for any repercussion.

I know the tragedy of Hamlet. I identify. But if the alternative is to be Othello or Macbeth, the choice is very easy for me. Let me think. To be or not to be is certainly the question!

I wish I could smile and smile and still be a villain. But if I am a villain, it is because I know I am smiling because I can see what is happening, more often than not. People make utter fools of themselves. Well, at least to me, they appear like puppets without strings. Most times. So I retract, or if I cannot get out of the situation and have been asked to confess a feeling, I smile. The smile is a betrayal of my feeling, because it relies on the intelligence of the other.

The other never gauges it correct.

And this brings me to if I am hurt – I shield myself in silence. For it is scathing language, when asked to speak. I cannot see the person who has done me an offence. I cannot look, for if I do, he will see the pain and if I look, it means he deserves my gaze. So I look away and be quiet.
I wish I could remain quiet with my thoughts and not divulge every shred of ideas from my mind. I wish I was selfish enough to stop empathising. Sympathy is much simpler. It lets you meet gazes and lets you put on a facade. And then no one questions your smile, they help the public tears.